Being Human

Opens with JACK (human) and SALLY (zombie) sitting in chairs. SALLY is looking out at the audience and is attached to JACK via leash.

SALLY (aside): Hi, I wish I could introduce myself, but I can’t. You see, I don’t remember my name. I don’t even know how long I’ve been dead. In fact I don’t remember a lot about being human… just random things… I’ve tried to remember as much as I can but it’s just so much work. Before I died I was always worried, worried about everything: looks and being on time and updating facebook but I just don’t find it that important anymore. I remember when the apocalypse first hit, one of my friends updated her facebook saying “OMG zombies attacking the door, BRB”. That was the last I ever heard of her. My memory comes and goes. Sometimes I can recall the exact recipe for my grandma’s devil’s food cake but most of the time I don’t even know what’s going on. Like this guy. (points at Jack) I feel attached to him somehow. I’m not quite sure why. I know he’s important but I don’t know why.

JACK (aside): this is Sally. She’s dead. She has been a zombie for 4 weeks, five days, 12 hours and 54 minutes. Not that I’m counting. You see, we started dating just after the apocalypse hit but I don’t feel I can break it off. You don’t just break up with someone when they get cancer. Is being a zombie any different? I mean, things have gotten a lot easier for her I guess… she doesn’t have to worry about staying in shape, or finding food, or living to the next day, or battle tactics, or running out of ammo. All she does is shuffle and moan and try to attack people for their vital organs. But I know. I just KNOW that she’s still in there and she still thinks and that the Sally I’ve been dating for two years is alive. But it’s just so HARD! Before all she wanted was to know the world was safe. Now all I think she wants are brains. But every night before I go to be I gaze into her into her cataract-covered eyes and I see a glimmer of the old Sally. And then she usually tries to bite my face off.

SALLY (aside): It’s hard not giving into temptation. He just gets so close to me. And he smells so good. And…

They start to lean in for what looks like a kiss when SALLY snaps at JACK, trying to bite HIM. JACK retaliates with a squirt gun to the face

SALLY (aside): then he does that. Sometimes I just sit and think for days. I mean, what else do I have to do? He won’t let me leave his side to hunt. He brings me food which is always a plus. But because I can’t do anything, I just gaze at the burning city and I start to think. Am I really dead? How can a soulless corpse walk around and think and talk? Is my soul trapped in this rotting cage of flesh and bones or have our bodies been taken over by some H1Z1 from hell? And if I never really died and am just sick then have I been murdering people for the last two years? Or have I just been sending the undead back to their graves? And then I realize something profound. Something earth shattering. Something that makes me rethink everything. My watch makes a Tinkerbell light on the ceiling. This amuses me for days.

JACK (aside): she just sits there. Playing with her watch. This is how I know she’s still in there. Then I decide something. I wanna take her home to mom and dad. Just because she’s a rotting corpse is no excuse not to introduce the love of my life to the parents. They never approved of any of the girls I brought home who were alive; maybe they’ll change their minds now that one that’s dead.

JACK comes over with a wet wipe and tries to clean the blood off of SALLY. She starts to attack HIM until she realizes who HE is. JACK gives HER an arm to chew on to distract HER.

JACK: so… that was a disaster. I’m sorry I took you to them. I thought they were more liberal than that, I never imagined they would ask you if you had ever tried not being a zombie. Or why you were so obsessed with brains. Or the fact that dad would start hitting on you. Grandma told me she was happy about the fact that I finally found a girl who wanted me for my brain instead of my body. I don’t think she quite gets what’s going on. I just don’t understand why they can’t accept us. Mom always pointed out that she was friends with a mixed couple growing up and how are we any different? Dad tried to say we would never last, that you would end up killing me before we could ever get married and to get my mind out of the graveyard. Mom then pointed out that we could never have kids. What’s wrong with not having kids? I then pointed out that every relationship has its problems. Some face infidelity, some have money problems, others fight, I have a very sweet girl who happens to want to crack my skull like a coconut and scoop out my B-R-A-I-N-S. This is just a rough patch in our relationship. Everyone has them, we can get through it.

SALLY (aside): talking to that strange man made me realize something. I really don’t mind being dead. I’m just sad that I’ll never reach his age. I doubt that I’ll ever get to see Jack bald or my hair turn gray. I was looking forward to that. Kids are out of the question now. I know that Jack said that kids don’t matter but they do. They really do. Growing up, I was bombarded by images of babies and the notion that it was my goal in life to find a good guy, marry him, and have kids. I’m a liberated woman and I know that I don’t have to, but I always wanted to. But that will never happen. I can never get married. This is the guy of my dreams, my life, well afterlife, and I want to spend the rest of my existence with him. He just feels safe. And I’ve started to be able to control my urges around him. I only want to kill him about once a day, which is a great improvement. Who knows, what we have now is nice. It’s simple. It can work. But I want to think about the future. I know it’s unusual to hear the word future out of the lips of a dead girl, but I know what I want in life now. I want to spend the rest of it with Jack. Even if that means becoming a vegetarian, I’ll do it. Throws away the arm. People do crazy things when they are in love.

JACK: Sally, SALLY! Sweetie, look at me. Listen to what I just found. They legalized zombie/human mirage in Texas. I know we’ve only know each other for two years, but I want to ask you something very important. Sally, can you understand me?

SALLY: Yyyeeesss

JACK: You can?! Great! Well, what I’m trying to say is that everything warps when your girlfriend is a corpse, so, I guess now is as good a time to ask. Sally, will you spend your afterlife with me?

Sally: yyeeesss

JACK embraces SALLY and helps HER to HER feet.

SALLY: (aside) the more time I spend with him, the more human I feel. It doesn’t matter what I am, I just know I’m in love. I know my future is the most stable thing out there. And I know another thing. If I’m going veggie, I want one last meal. I think you’ll do.

SALLY attacks the audience, JACK tries to hold her back.

JACK: BAD SALLY! SALLY NO!